It was everything I dreamed it would be.

I forgot to eat today.  The toaster wasn't working before work, so I skipped breakfast, and then I was so tired after work that all I had was a stale danish Piper brought home from Starbucks.  Then I passed out for a few hours.

I usually don't order pizza, cause it's expensive.  But I just ordered one with peppers, onions, garlic, zucchini, and mushrooms.  It's going to be the best pizza I have ever consumed.

02:09 Plastic over the window that randomly makes noise is creepy. #

18:26 Back in the Jeep. Whee! - Why yes, that would be sarcasm. #

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My SDMB membership lapsed last night and I got the email warning it would happen this morning. It's a good thing I didn't plan on renewing anyway. I've made some really good friends there and it was how I met Kat, so it's ultimately responsible for many of the events of the past few years but it's not been fun for years now, and though I've never posted in any of the administrative pile-ons, I definitely think the customer service there leaves a lot to be desired. I'll be back if or when it goes free again but not before.

---

I am feeling much better today than I was last night for no apparent reason. I woke up only mildly hungover at about 1100 and have been feeling pretty content the whole day. I've even done a fair bit of cleaning up around the house and helped my mom prepare dinner a little bit by shucking some fresh green beans. I also gave her a framed picture of me holding Samuel for Mother's Day and she loved it. Some neighbors came over about a half hour after I gave it to her to just say hi and I heard her showing it off to them in the living room while I was in the kitchen sweeping. I'm glad I did well, there.

Where I did less well was on Friday, when I gave Lauren her card and gift from Samuel. Her mom had asked me to stop at the store on the way over buy some alimentum and mylicon for him before I came over, and I put both in a little gift bag along with a card from Sam (I'd thought about signing his name in red crayon with a backward S but was in the parking lot of their apartment before I had the thought. Hmph.) and the silver locket I'd bought her a couple weeks ago, which I gave her immediately upon entering her home. I don't know what I was expecting when I gave it to her, but the total lack of reaction wasn't it. I think I heard her go "Aww" but I was holding Samuel at the time and she didn't mention it or even say thank you for the entire two hours I was over there. I even explained the significance of the diamond accent a little later and her only comment was that she didn't know that April's birthstone was a diamond. I'm not the type who writes thank you letters for parcel gifts, nor do I expect them in return, but I do expect some sort of acknowledgment for one given personally and I admit I'm a little miffed. I tried to make a peace offering and was ignored. Very annoying.

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/2008/05/sunday-secrets_09.html

PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail
in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard.



-----Email Message-----
Sent: Saturday, May 10, 2008 11:29 PM
Subject: in response to a mother's day post secret

the day before my grandmother died, she wrote her name and mine on a piece of paper. it makes me happy that she held on to that one memory even when others were gone.

i still have the piece of paper. reading that person's secret motivated me to go out and get it framed.

















-----Email Message-----
Sent: Sunday, May 11, 2008 9:13 AM
Subject: stretch marks and motherhood

My first child is due on Wednesday and stretch marks appeared just this week. I could care less . . . I just want to meet my daughter!





-----Email Message-----
Sent: Saturday, May 10, 2008 11:36 PM
Subject: mom thinking you're mad

my mom once told me that if we ever got into a fight and something happened to one of us, that she knows I love her no matter what I said or did, and I should know the same

(she's sitting next to me as I type this... I love you mom!)



-----Email Message-----
Sent: Sunday, May 11, 2008 2:37 PM
Subject: Mom and cancer postcard.

My mom died of cancer when I was 17. I'm almost 24 now and I'm still angry and I'm still sad, but I'm finally having a good year. Kids like us are everywhere. We find each other. We help each other feel a little less alone.






-----Email Message-----
Sent: Saturday, May 10, 2008 10:56PM
Subject: Mothers Day

After I read through all the Mothers Day secrets, I emailed the link to my mother. She called and we just finished sharing some of our family secrets over the phone. But here is one more I didn’t tell her.

I am going to surprise her with concert tickets.



Florida PostSecret Exhibit



The Brevard Art Museum will be hosting over 400 PostSecret postcards. The exhibit opens to the public this Friday (May 16th). [facebook page]

1463 Highland Avenue | Melbourne, FL 32935 | 321-242-0737

The PostSecret exhibition tour is directed by International Arts & Artists.




"Each of the Post Secret books gives you a window into the human soul. Sending in a post card is a cathartic experience. Laugh, cry and connect with insightful journeymen in the human experience. Read the books. Share them with friends. Subscribe to the blog."
-- Amazon Reviewer, Irish Eyes
All four PostSecret books are available at bookstores or Online.




PostSecret won four Webby Awards last week for Art and for Blogging.

Only through your participation are these awards, and this community, possible.

Thank you.

15:09 I made it to KY. I'm so sick of driving. Bleh. #

16:04 I'm tired and I don't feel good. This constitutes a grumpy Cyn. #

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Aesiron: Hey
Mandy: yello
Aesiron: How are you?
Mandy: not bad, yourself?
Aesiron: Same as I've been for a while.
Mandy: i'm making my very first mix cd
Mandy: with an artwork image and tracklist and order and everything
Aesiron: I'm uploading a bunch of music with a central theme.
Mandy: what theme is that?
Aesiron: Life Sucks.
Mandy: well that's fun
Aesiron: You've known me for a while now, dear.
Aesiron: I'm not dramatic about it but I'm pretty emo.

Aesiron: I just shotgunned three beers and it's not made me drunk enough.
Mandy: i'm halfway into a boone's farm
Aesiron: And I can't bring in the beer I have in my car because my mom doesn't like for me to drink at home.
Mandy: i was just thirsty
Aesiron: I want to be drunk.
Mandy: so go out and get drunk
Aesiron: I think I'm becoming mildly alcholic.
Aesiron: No bars around here.
Mandy: really? none???
Aesiron: And I'd rather make a fool of myself to you than a cop.
Mandy: even in the very smallest towns, there are at least 3 bars
Aesiron: Not that I know of. Applebee's type places.
Aesiron: I live in Tennessee.
Aesiron: Land of blue laws.
Aesiron: Besides, it's only $12 for a case of beer.
Aesiron: That's like, three beers at a bar.
Mandy: but you could at least pretend that you weren't on a downward spiral to alcoholism and that you actually like people
Aesiron: I don't dislike people.
Aesiron: I'm just incredibly shy and awkward.
Aesiron: Man. This totally does sound like I'm like an alcoholic and rationalizing.

Aesiron: I smuggled some in and drank them, too. I'm pretty well buzzed now. Whee, or something.
Mandy:i'll take or something for 200 alex.
Aesiron:  Yeah. Drinking alone makes it sort of pathetic but c'est la vie.

Aesiron: Mind if I paste bits of this conversation to LJ?
Aesiron: I don't know why I am asking. I'd usually do so without bothering.
Mandy:  i don't care, but i didn't realize we conversed about anything of interest
Aesiron: It relates to my entry
Aesiron: I'm admitting to being a possible boozer and loozer.

The songs alluded to above:

1. Alice in Chains - Down in a Hole
2. Blue October - Schizophrenia
3. Depeche Mode - Blasphemous Rumors
4. Modest Mouse - Missed the Boat
5. Talking Heads - Psycho Killer

As the conversation above indicates, I'm drunk, though not as drunk as I want to be. I am a little concerned that I'm turning into an alcoholic considering how often I've turned to booze in the past month or so but I don't think it's too much of a worry as I still don't turn to it too often. Thats probably a rationalization on my part, though, and I definitely think I have a problem. It's only one of dozens, though, so I'm not terribly concerned. Or maybe I am? I'm admitting it, after all. Or that could be drunken candor. Eh. I don't know.

In other news, I just made my first drunk-dial and it was to my dad. I've been feeling a little guilty about not visiting him and my step mom over the past couple weeks and I just called him to say "Hey, I'm a whiny little git and I just don't feel like talking to anyone that I don't have to, so that's why I've not been over. I hope you don't take it personally". He was cool with it and told me that he assumed as much (it runs in the family), so he and I are fine. Now I just need to hide the phone so I don't do the same to Amanda, Kat, or Rebecca. I'm actually not worried about the first two and am not that worried about the third, even, but our relationship's a bit more complicated than the others. I consider her a good friend, even a best friend, but our dynamic's strange. I've not really acknowledged it until recently but since she mentioned it in her last entry, I suppose I can admit that I'm interested in her more than as a friend and she's apparently not entirely opposed to it, either, though probably not to the same degree.

And that's as explicit as I'll get. Even drunk, there's only so much I'll admit in that area to such a public forum. I don't know why but I've always been pretty private when it comes to sexual matters, even when I'm totally open in pretty much every other regard. I don't think I admitted that I lost my virginity to anyone but the second woman I slept with for most of a year. Even when I finally dropped it in conversation, it was with one of my very best friends, and I don't think I've ever given anyone explicit detail. I guess I find it disrespectful?

I am so going to regret this in the morning.

Vince is taking his mom to see Iron Man for Mother's Day and Shawnda's not interested in seeing it so it looks like I'm going to be going alone. Another reason more local friends would be cool.

( A meme from janeymouse )

1. Nothing's really changed since my whiny entry from a day or two ago but I am feeling marginally better, if somewhat blasé, despite it. I think I'm doing pretty well overall, really, but it's pretty obvious I'm in the middle of a pretty extensive depressive period and I'm having a hell of a time breaking out of it. My biggest concern is that I still have not gotten my eating habits under control and I continue to binge daily. I've not weighed myself in a week or two but I know I have to be up at least five to ten pounds in the past month.

2. The Gambler by Thea Gilmore started playing on my mp3 player while on my way home from work this afternoon and I was caught by just how lovely both her voice and the song was. I listened to it about three or four times before I got home and I'm listening to it on auto-repeat again right now. It's a simply beautiful song about making the best of the cards that life deals that showcases her soulful voice perfectly. One of the lines in the song is "come on and lay your head upon my chest" and that's exactly what I want to do when I hear her sing it. It's just so inviting and I feel like she would protect me as we laid there together.

3. Speaking of, I've really been missing that kind of intimacy lately. It's been a while

4. Work has been insanely busy for the past couple weeks but I have managed to be productive despite it. I a'm apparently giving the impression that I am competent to the people above me because I get emails almost every day either asking for my input or for me to take over an account. Granted, I am not the only one that gets these requests and my reputation's not immaculate -- I was pulled into a team meeting yesterday because I was a couple rows over from my desk looking for a Settlements agent and my TL thought I was shirking work to talk to Shawnda, who wasn't even working at the time -- but it's nice to actually feel like you make some small difference. My position before this could have been done by a lobotomized monkey well into his cups and I got about as much respect but this one requires a little more specialization and attention to detail, so I am given a bit more esteem. I've actually been advising District Service Managers on what and how they need to handle accounts the past few days and it's pretty surreal. These are the people in charge of all the HVAC installations in large chunks of various states, meaning they're individually responsible for hundreds of thousands, if not millions of dollars worth of services each year and they're asking me how to do their job. Which I then do. I just wish I made a similar salary.

5. My mom finally got to hold Samuel for the first time yesterday afternoon. Lauren and I have a schedule set up where I come over every Monday and Friday, as well as some Wednesdays after work and since my dad and step mom visited last week, I brought my mom along this time. My sister, Melissa, was supposed to come, too, but she was planning on bringing her husband and kids with her but the doctors are telling Lauren and her mom that he doesn't need to be around large crowds of people or kids because they don't want to chance him getting sick since they don't know how an illness will affect his tetralogy. We were there for about an hour and a half and it was honestly enjoyable. Everyone's finally mellowed out, I think, and we all got along well. Mom held him the majority of the time we were there, though I did hold him for about a half hour myself and I managed to get him to stop crying all but one time, which is a marked improvement over all my previous attempts at calming him down. He's staying awake more now, and Lauren says he's also keeping his formula down, which is good. He has absolutely beautiful slate blue eyes; I just love staring into them.

6. I've spoken with the Tennessee Department of Child Support Services and it will only cost $165 for a paternity test. Everything else is just a bunch of paperwork and is pretty straightforward. Lauren doesn't even have to be involved except to supply a couple cheek swabs and her 2007 W-2.

7. This is the cutest picture of Samuel ever. bitter_moss made the caption and even though I usually hate macros, I just love this one.

8. Shawnda has been experiencing abdominal pains for the past week or so and has been out of work for the past few days while she was being tested to find out what was wrong. She got the results today and it's her gall bladder, which is going to have to be removed. The surgery is tentatively scheduled for tomorrow and I have told her that I'll stop by after visiting Samuel again, whether she's still in the hospital or at home. I've also told her I'll bring her some ice cream (or sherbet if that's not advised) and a CD I've owed her for about a month now and we can watch a movie, or something. I recently replaced Garden State and Sliding Doors after loaning them out and never getting them back so I'd like to watch them again, and I also bought Hulk and Superman Returns incredibly cheaply and may see if she wants to see either of those. Failing her interest in any of those (I may have to stop being her friend if she doesn't want to watch Garden State), we can just watch one of her movies. I don't really care; I just like spending time with her.

9. I saw the season (series?) finale of Scrubs tonight and it was the first one I've seen since maybe the third episode of this season. It sucked (a lot) and I am really hoping that this wasn't the end of the show. Especially since we haven't learned Janitor's last name.

10. I'm including this just to make it an even ten.

08:57 Yet another day of work. Forgot how annoying this work thing could be. :) #

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I woke up this morning feeling a little under the ewather and didn't even feel like getting up. My alarm goes off at 0630 and I didn't drag myself out of bed until almost 0720. I just didn't feel very rested from the night before and seriously considered using one of the tardies I earned back by working overtime this weekend but ultimately decided against it because I know I need the money and my bad moods usually evaporate by the time I get to work, anyway. Not today, though. If anything, it got worse with every mile I put behind me and I'm feeling rather depressed at the moment.

I think the main cause of my current mood is that I've felt alone a lot, lately. For no real reason that I can gather, I've felt invisible and that no one cares but I know that's ludicrous. There are one or two friends that are giving me the cold shoulder at the moment but I've not tried reaching out to them so the fault's not entirely their own, and I've been snubbing my family myself so I'm not innocent, either. The biggest issue, I think, is that I have no one that I'm really close to nearby and that's taking its toll. I really only have two friends in the immediate area but don't see them outside work all that often. I talk to Shawnda here and there but we've only spent time together maybe a half-dozen times in just as many months and it's been significantly longer since Vince and I saw each other outside Convergys. I've made plans with him a few times but they fall through each time and were I as paranoid as I used to be, I'd think he were avoiding me when the truth is, he's just busy and has his own life to tend to.

I do have a handful of really good friends online, including the two I consider my very best, but one literally lives on the other side of the world and as close as Oklahoma is, the other might as well, too. I do talk to the both of them fairly often but the time difference and helath problems make real time conversations with Kat difficult and Amanda works two jobs, has a spotty internet connection, and a boyfriend so it's pretty hard to get ahold of her as well. Even if we talked every night, it still wouldn't be the same, though. As much as I (literally) love them, there's only so much you can get out of an online friendship and want more, I guess. There is someone I messaged on OKCupid that recently moved to Chattanooga from Pittsburgh that has said we should hang out soon and Rebecca lives in Murfreesboro, but that's a hundred miles from here and her dad thinks I'm going to abduct her and make her my child bride even though she's 21 and has told him repeatedly that we're just platonic friends so maybe there's some possibility in those directions.

18:37 I'm home! No more flip charts! Yay! #

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My mom made strawberry-rhubarb pie this weekend and I just ate the very last piece. I think I have a new favorite food.

08:54 It's a Monday. Let's hope it's a good one. #

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Now I can't find my *real* paycheck, which I *really* need before my real rent check does get cashed. (Refer to anxiety dream number one.)

Oy.

Man, I had the weirdest anxiety dreams last night. Three of them, and in increasing strangeness:

Dream number one:
Pretty normal. I went to the bank to deposit my paychecks and realized that Justin had misunderstood me and deposited my rent check early, so my account was in the red and I had to call my parents crying for money.

Dream number two:
It was my first day working at La Bou (my second interview with Starbucks is today, so this makes some sense). I was freaking out cause in the dream, I knew that there weren't any La Bous in the Bay Area, so I was terrified that I was actually still living in Sac and had had some sort of psychotic break to convince myself that I'd moved out. They refused to train me to make coffee, insisting instead that if we prayed to Jesus, he would show me the way. I did figure it out, but not before making several customers really crappy drinks and getting them really mad at me. When it was time for my first break, I made myself a latte and couldn't find anyone to ring me up. On my way out of the building to sit in the sun and enjoy my drink, a customer sitting at a table interrupted me and insisted that I get ulcer medication for her. I told her I didn't think we had any, and she said, "Well, you should have it, so you better go ask someone where it is. I'll need it soon, so if you don't have it, I'll have to take my business elsewhere." I tried to find someone to ask, but they were all busy and I was pretty sure that coffee shops do not carry ulcer medication. I headed outside to have my break, where I saw a girl that I'd had sex with a couple times a couple years ago. She gave me a big hug and yelled at me for not having sex with her recently. I thought this was funny, so I texted Taylor about the incident. Then he got mad at me, because he thought I was trying to make him jealous, since I knew that he had wanted to play with her and had never gotten the chance. I went back inside, where they yelled at me for taking too long of a break and making customers bad drinks. Ulcer lady complained too, and I think they fired me for "stealing" the latte I had on my break.

Dream three:
I was in some sort of production. It wasn't clear what it was for, but it was structured like QFS: short pieces directed by individuals and cast members participating in multiple pieces. I had missed the email about the dress rehearsal, but I checked the list and I wasn't on until the second to last piece. I enjoyed hanging out backstage, and then did my piece, which was an insane suspension (like with hooks and stuff, not just a rope suspension). After, I was incredibly proud of myself for going through with it and doing something like that and just sitting backstage happy, when the stage manager found me and asked me where I was because I was in the last piece too. I didn't remember signing up for it, but figured I could probably figure it out and didn't mind lending a hand. Unfortunately, this was a piercing/suspension piece as well. One of the Deathguild women was directing it, and she was standing in front of a long line of cast members, hammering a nail into each of them in different places (I think it was supposed to be some sort of comment on crucifixion?). As I got towards the front of the line, I kept asking her where she was going to put the nail in me. She wouldn't answer, and just kept saying, "Oh, wherever." I told her I had just done a major suspension and I didn't know if I could do this, but she wouldn't listen to me. When I got almost to the front, I just freaked out and sat down and started rocking back and forth, shaking, saying I couldn't do this right after my other piece. She told me I should have gone to rehearsal, then, and told me she hoped I was happy having completely ruined her piece and stalked off.


Ugh. I do not feel rested.

Can I just say I wish more girls shopped here:

http://www.fairygothmother.co.uk/